Last one of these, I promise, then back to the knitting!

I’ve been promising a return to normal service for a while now. Well, it should happen soon. Thanks for anyone who’s been bearing with me.

I almost didn’t make it into work today. After pulling an all-nighter to get ready for the epic Friday grind, by 6am I felt as though I’d eaten a pasty that had been out in the sun too long. Full-on stomach cramps, vomiting, sweating, and all the rest of it. At first I blamed the Lidl microwave curry I’d had for tea but I knew really that it wasn’t to blame – I have at least one a week (and recommend them – sure, it’s probably genetically modified battery chicken but there’s an awful lot of it for £1.79, plus it’s the best-tasting jalfrezi in the east of England). At any rate, I found myself going in regardless and I’m glad I did, otherwise I’d have stayed in bed thinking about how rubbish I am and making myself feel worse and worse. Work was pretty awful but it’s over now, I’ve come home and had a ‘nap’ that became 7 hours long. Now do I go back to bed, get up early and go for a dawn chorus walk? Or do I stay up till 4 watching films and eating crisps? It’s like a ‘choose-your-own-adventure’!

That was a long and dull preamble. I wanted to reblog this, as the author might delete it when he wakes up sober but I thought it was good. Copyright @GarethAveyard

Saturday, 12 May 2012

Depression and Me, Aged 29 and a Tiddly Bit.

So, almost exactly two years ago, sitting cross-legged, tea-cosy-for-a-hat pissed in a dingy hotel room, I guffed out this bumwibble, about my history with depression.
Since when, despite the optimistic closing sentence in that previous “thing”, life has pretty much remained the same, there have been some ups, downs and juddering halts, but generally it’s been unremittingly dull, like a stale fart, trapped in a vacuum.
That’s the awful beauty of depression though, or at least, my experience with depression, I know it varies from “brain” to droopy “brain”. One day it’s there, pushing its swollen balls up your nose and calling you a fanny, then the next, without warning, it disappears.
I find it can leave me alone, or I can push it out, for months at a time and occasionally, very occasionally, if I’m lucky. I forget all about it altogether. Like a weird lodger, who keeps silently taking larger and wrigglier binbags up to his room, occasionally listens to whale song at 3am and smells like a dying horse, but you don’t question it though, because he pays the rent on time, generally keeps himself to himself and It’s fine, right? I mean, you could be a lot worse off, look at the ‘lodgers’ you’ve had in the past.
However, without you noticing, it can come back, just as soon as it departs, one day you bumble home to find that iffy smelling lodger has nailed empty pizza boxes to the windows, pushed the sofa up against the door, pissed in your cutlery drawer and set fire to that swirling beige and red tsunami of long-ignored bills clogging up your hallway unseen for months.
I suppose what I’m trying to say, is, it’s back, I should have noticed the signs, but you don’t, it creeps up on you, like that ‘boiled frog’ experiment, whereby your brain is the frog and the water is some form of liquid stupidity.
So, where were we? Well, currently, I am back to temping in an office – it’s dull, not awful, worthwhile, I just can’t bring myself to care about it – living in a flat I hate and can’t afford to move out of,  up to my dick in debt and making all the same stupid mistakes I’ve made for the last ten or so years and unsurprisingly, doing the exact same moronic shit I’ve been doing for a decade hasn’t solved anything.
As for my mind? Well, currently it feels like I am trapped underneath the weight of it, like a giant, wrinkled hippo is living on my chest farting dusty clouds of ennui directly up into my brain.
I make it into work every day, just about, I get home every day, and I occasionally remember to eat shower and shave, but it isn’t easy, everything requires an extreme amount of effort, and I worry that, that is running out.
When asked to describe it, recently, I said it felt like being an exhausted night-shift security guard, trying to watch an endless bank of CCTV monitors, on each of those monitors is a tiny daily task: getting out of bed, washing work clothes, catching the bus and so on. When the depression isn’t so bad, you know which one to focus on, as and when you need to, when it gets worse, you’re just standing staring at them all blankly, like a badger at a book club, millions of tiny screens, all important, none of which seem important enough to concentrate on, so you try doing everything at once, before giving up. Then you have where I am right now, wherein all these monitors have lost their signal, it’s just fuzz, crackle and snow. You shake the antennae, furiously, but you have no idea what it is you’re supposed to be watching, or doing, and it’s beyond hard. So, you give in.
That’s it, I suppose, that’s where I am, exhausted, trying to winkle these words out of my head in the hope that it helps. I might delete this tomorrow, I might rewrite it, I might forget I wrote it. I just think it’s important to keep talking about these things. Because depression is an awful, shit-wongling motherfucker, that feeds on darkness, and all we can do is keep thrusting it out into the light and hoping the dirty bastard drowns.
Advertisements

About Knoob

Well ... I'm thirtyish, female, mostly British, and skirmishing occasionally with depression. I though that taking up a useful and practical new hobby might help me develop a healthy work/life balance. I failed to anticipate how frustrating learning to knit would occasionally prove. But I shall persevere in the face of adversity!
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s