Just a quick post before I get back to work … Peter Serafinowicz just posted this onto Twitter: it’s a blog from November last year by former footballer Stan Collymore about his depression. He wrote this the day before Welsh football boss Gary Speed committed suicide. I’m reblogging it because it was reading this post by Stan, and articles about Gary Speed, that finally convinced me to go and see a professional about my own little mind problem.
Below I’ve posted the part that I found most affecting, but I strongly recommend everyone to read the full blog.
So i went from last Saturday at the gym,running 10k as i normally do,looking forward to working,to Tuesday morning being unable to lift my head from the pillow, feeling like my body had been drained of any life,my brain “full” and foggy,and a body that felt like it was carrying an anvil around.
So fit and healthy one day,mind,body and soul withering and dying the next.This to me is the most frightening of experiences,and one fellow suffers i’m sure will agree is the “thud” that sets the Depression rolling.
Once it hits,then cause and effect start to kick in.I sleep 18 hours a day,so i don’t see sunlight over sometime a period of a week(my worst ever bout,i spent a month in bed),which i’m sure a doctor then would tell me makes the body shut down even further.My personal world grows smaller,i detach from friends and family,partly out of self preservation,partly not wanting them to see the man bounding around days ago,now looks visibly older,weaker and pathetic.
I eat less,my personal space gets smaller,none of the vain grooming of days before,as bathing,washing,and even going to the loo seem almost impossible.So its me,pyjamas,bed and increasingly despairing thoughts of how long this one will last,a tired,desperately tired but wildly active mind burns through its own blue touch paper until the paper ends,and there is simply nothing left.
That’s the point when the practicality sets in,and not a nice one(and incredible to think when you finally get well).
Thankfully i’ve not got to that part yet,and in my last 10 years only once or twice has this practical reality entered my head,and practicality its is,unpalatable the thought may be to many.
Why a practicality? Well,if your mind is empty,your brain ceases to function,your body is pinned to the bed,the future is a dark room,with no light,and this is your reality,it takes a massive leap of faith to know that this time next week,life could be running again,smiling,my world big and my brain back as it should be.So what do some do? They don’t take the leap of faith,they address a practical problem with a practical solution to them,and that is taking their own life.And sadly,too many take that route out of this hell.
– @StanCollymore, posted on TwitLonger on 26 November 2011